06 October 2016

Unprofessional Solutions

Unprofessional Solutions:
Stopping Party Fools with Party Fouls

You may have legitimate concerns about the approaching election, if not you might need to liven up the weekend with new and exciting ways to be innovative and informed the next time you have an apocalypse party. Everyone knows the best way to have a good party is to never talk about taboo subjects, but when one least expects it, there's always someone, usually shows up too early or too late, who feels the same unless you're trying to relax.

So what should someone do if it happens?

There are no real rules to avoiding being in a dumb conversation with someone who knows everything who can't tell anything else. Let's try a few simple scenarios.

Be confused. - If someone asks you who you want to be the next president, ask them what a president is, if for some odd reason they tell you, ask them if you-yourself can be president, then continue examining your sprouting race to the top, you may be the answer to the question no one asked.

Be super focused. - If someone states that they know who or what is best, pretend like you've never heard of that; I like so and so...oh really, who's that? I like this and that....oh really, what is it?; It typically won't be long before they begin revealing what they see happening based on plausible scenarios of debate, but don't lose focus, when they finish thinking aloud what they've come up with, tell them you're still voting for a vegetable or fruit, such as a pineapple. It is even possible to suggest broader interests, for example, you can say you'd only vote for someone who doesn't eat vegetables whatsoever. The gist is to control the conversation toward some distant target, like Mars, or logic.

Be antithetical. - By this i mean the opposite, a basic skill every child teaches itself while discovering mischeif. For example, if they say they'd vote for #PersonA, say you're voting for #PersonB right away, immediately, interrupt, whether you agree with them or not, if they pursue a conflict of interest or contradict your statement of antithesis, tell them you didn't say that. For this to work, you have to say the opposite of what they say, and, the opposite of what you just said. Who's on first, what's on second, IDK's on third.

Be a midnight revolutionary. - This one really needs an exclamation point. Be a midnight revolutionary! Imagine a more socially lubricated party, things are vague and often relaxed, the political beasts are often self indulgent, but aspirational and this is the most inquisitive by means of least resistance and not a sure shot. These things happen, someone interrupts, or holds their own, and makes just that damn fine outstanding speech, point, and finish line description, but f* that, we can't be too safe. Forced to be part of the story, join the rally cry for whatever it is your drunk friend is ready to do from a safe storytelling point. It's the oneupmanship s* show. So, if they say they want more teachers, you stand up shouting that everyone should be a teacher, asking for vows of solidarity, and hopefully you learn what they wanted to be taught; it's a long shot at a short wall here, so bring shiny distractions, or things that teachers could teach; if they want to ban unhealthy competition, offer to make them king of a feudalism-less monarchy, if they want to ban certain words, see if they'll start a nonprofit shelter that people can volunteer to have their mouths sewn shut. Weaponless? No limbs! Bad thoughts? Labotomies for everyone! Cult? Comedy open mic nights! ...idk, those last two might be kinda close.

The more absurd, the smaller the language barrier will be between what the world knows and whatever these party poopers are trying to say.