10 August 2017

Moogle Ganifesto

"Anyone who doesn't take truth seriously in small matters cannot be trusted in large ones either."
~Albert Einstein
I refuse to support an America where pterodactyls and giant sand worms can destroy our hard-working political rhetoric. My supporters know that I believe in our virtue signaling, our safe spaces, and our token, possibly minority, friend of convenience. The enemy takes donations from free thinkers like singing rainbow bears and angry birds. I will work for an Earth where spooky ghosts, crime solving adolescents, and a talking dog cannot corrupt our right to police the world.

My opponent is conspiring with kangaroos, porn stars, and dog lawyers, but not lawyers who defend dogs, more like werewolves with briefcases. Know this: I support our horizontal reproduction rights, our unknown future voter-polling-tested values, and our advanced sentient cyborg alien conquerors. I want an America where drug mules and flight attendants can't attack nor mock airline passengers. Unlike myself, my opponent wants an America where flying carpets and shoes can sabotage our carpet weaving machines of tomorrow. My opponent is palling around with talking trees, Westeros elitists, and those cool kids at the mall. I will not stand for an America where movie critics and pot smokers can take away our faith in dating apps.

When I'm elected, I'll make sure commercials and angry celebrity chefs can't undermine our ability to promote health, but still eat junk food in secret. Unlike my opponent, I will protect our Moon, our innocent Martians and our subscription streaming media service. My opponent is tag teaming with terrorists, gays and gay terrorists. I stand in faith in our sacred and meaningless community guidelines, our favorite blog, and electronic magic portals, pods, and shuttles.  

Too often, my opponent wants an America where sticky koalas and conservation officers can sabotage our right to ignore the trashcan on the GUI desktop because nobody actually knows how much is in there. I choose an America where social media and illegal immigrants cannot shame of our basic slash and burn mob mentality to enforce diversity (minus one). My only goal is that taking selfies be our right while pretending to be a spirit animal at Comic Con, our brave chick nerds dressed like slutty versions of normal things at said Comic Con, and the babies born nine months later, respect how high my follower count is.

I will not stand for an America where sex workers and tribal warlords aren’t the same thing. Opponents are receiving Bitcoins from mechanical spiders, secret underground fight clubs, and an undiscovered deep ocean city of sentient dolphins that look totally cool on the back of my tablet because they still float. I don’t want an America where corporate finance and internet pornographers can’t be forced to be in their own movies after we find out the titles. My opponent maybe possibly feasibly likely doing something I don’t understand is unacceptable because I’m a self-declared expert. When I'm elected, I'll make sure hobos and extremists cannot undermine our right to transparency. I will protect our freedom to right speech, our empty shelves where rations should be, and our innocent government overlords.

I'll make sure dogs and cats cannot spoil the ends of movies. Video game devs who spend countless hours making games won’t make sexy games anymore, not even in Japan. Everybody knows that this independent journalist’s article is super accurate. Mainstream media would never commercialize clickbait. The demand for free stuff supports commerce, it’s basically science. I won’t stand for oppression unless I have to fix it or it makes me trend on social media.  

I will not stand for an America where scientists who turn themselves into pickles and acrobatic rats can undermine our right to exploit cheap overseas labor. My opponent is taking fashion advice from cool cats, fat cats and 2 to 4pm. I will work for an America where peach cartels can't rewrite our delicious apple pies. Unlike me, they want an America where celebrities can change the fact that celebrity lookalikes are everywhere. I have faith in reality TV shows everything Abe Lincoln said about the internet.

America shouldn’t have TV shows that aren’t medical dramas without corrupting the integrity of fast food chains and buckets of ice cream. My opponent is receiving money from drug addicts, unicorns, and tree-huggers. I better go get him before we get kicked out.

"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
~ Elbert Hubbard